As a wizpert.com relationship advice expert, I have had several conversations with men who have recently “lost” their girlfriends or wives. Sometimes I chat with two or three men a day about this very subject. It’s tragic, but because I see the same pattern over and over, I am writing this blog with the hope that it will help more men out there.
Women want to be trusted. Let’s say you start getting
suspicious and stop trusting your spouse or girlfriend. Let’s say she suspects
or knows that you no longer trust her. These ingredients spell disaster. The
relationship is likely to end—even if you have a viable reason for your
suspicion and lack of trust. Why? Truth or not, no woman likes to be accused. (It’s
human nature, actually.) If you decide to confront her and she confesses, there’s
a slight chance she’ll be sorry enough to mend the relationship, but there’s
still a high possibility of the relationship ending. I would definitely not recommend confronting
her. If you decide to confront her and she denies your accusations, you have an
even higher chance of losing her. No woman likes a jealous guy who doesn’t
trust her—whether he’s right or wrong; whether she’s telling the truth or not.
As soon as the trust is gone, it’s time to start packing up and moving on.
So, what do you do if you no longer trust your wife or
girlfriend? I suggest the following:
1.
Pray. Ask God to help you overcome your pain and
feelings of betrayal. Ask God to help you to forgive her for what she might
have done and to forget about whatever she might not have done.
2.
Ask a counselor for advice. Talk with a
therapist about your jealous feelings and suspicions. Your counselor might be
able to help you sort out whether your suspicions are real or imagined. Your
counselor should be able to help you cope with your situation and help you
figure out what to do next—whether your lack of trust is warranted or not.
3.
Give her more space and freedom. It’s the exact
opposite of what you want to do when you don't trust someone, but giving your wife or girlfriend more
freedom demonstrates trust and love and respect. It shows that you believe in
her and that you’re not clingy or possessive. If she has any desire to leave
you, giving her more space and freedom can, in many cases, make you more
desirable to her and make her less likely to leave you. What do space and
freedom look like? They can look like a lot of things, but here are a few
possibilities:
a.
Give her financial freedom. It may sound materialistic
and worldly, but money represents freedom. If you’re married, make sure she has
her own bank account and full access to any money therein. Total control over your
wife’s or girlfriend’s money is a violation of her freedom. If you’re better
with money than she is, talk about it, but it’s still important to make sure
the two of you reach an agreement regarding how much money she wants and needs—and
make sure you give her that (within reason and after bills are paid, of course). If she wants to work, don’t stop her. Make sure
she has a car and access to a place of employment whenever she wants. If she’s
unable to work right now because of caring for children at home, it’s even more
important to make sure she has plenty of personal spending cash and freedom to
spend it however she wishes.
b.
Don’t stalk her. Don’t follow her. Don’t ask
around about her. She will notice and your suspicious activity will backfire on
your relationship.
c.
Give her time for herself. This is especially
important for stay-at-home moms. They may not think they need it, but watching
the kids for a few hours while she goes out with her friends to shop, eat out
at a restaurant, work out at the gym, or go to the movies is of immense value
to her. Giving her this gift of time shows that you trust her, love her, and
value her.
d.
Be the first to apologize after an
argument. This is one of the toughest things to do, but it is also one of the
most mature and effective things you can do to protect a relationship. Admit to
some wrongdoing on your part, even if you’re 99.9% right and she’s really the
one in the wrong. Don’t follow it up with “but” and remind her of what she did
or said that hurt you or made you angry. If you’re the first to say you’re
sorry, it gives her freedom to feel some conviction and admit where
she was wrong (although you should not expect this of her). Being the first to apologize also shows respect for her and your relationship. It means she is more
important than your desire to be right. My wonderful husband nearly always apologizes first after an argument and I now work harder to be the first to say I'm sorry. Sometimes this means I have to search really hard for something I might have done wrong--even when I feel he's totally at fault. It's terribly humbling and difficult to apologize, but it so worth it for preserving a relationship.
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