What Women Want: Courageous Heroes, Not Wimps (article #2)

I’m an old-fashioned, hopeless romantic. I get teary-eyed watching Hallmark movies, I swoon at the descriptions of Jane Austen’s heroes; I read and write historical romance novels.

What do women want in a man? Strength, self-confidence, masculinity, and courage. Women do not want shy, wimpy, weak, timid, fearful, tentative men. While our American society has been pushing women to be more confident, courageous, and self-promoting, it seems that many men have gone the opposite direction. Most men today (my husband Pete excluded) are not the manly heroes of literature or of history. Where are the Bravehearts, Robin Hoods, and King Davids of today?

You know what I like about my husband? He’s the perfect blend of classic athletic jock and educated intellectual. He plays football. He’s a tough, hardy outdoorsman. He whitewater rafts. He hunts and fishes. He puts food on the table—literally (and it’s delicious and organic to boot). He’s self-assured and commanding, admittedly to the point of arrogance at times. He suffers no lack of self-esteem, yet he is spiritually mature, humble, caring and gracious. He knows what he wants in life and he goes for it. He is well aware of his strengths and is successful in nearly everything he attempts. He exudes confidence and, as a natural-born leader, others feel safer, relaxed, and sure of themselves with him in charge. He has a positive attitude. He’s kind, forgiving, encouraging, and uplifting in his speech and behavior.

When Pete and I were first getting to know each other, I was floored by his direct approach. He had been burned in a past relationship, yet God and time had healed him. After only a few minutes of meeting in person and an hour talking on the phone, he was forward and candid in asking me out. I never had to wonder if he liked me. He could care less about rejection and stated that, if I said no to him, he would continue to pursue me for a short time—not stalk me or be overly pushy—but not give up on me so easily. He then told me I was “worth the pursuit.” I think any woman hearing these words would be weak in the knees. Needless to say, I gave him a chance—and another and another.

Can you see why I was drawn to my husband? One of the most attractive things about Pete was and is his courage. He was unafraid of rejection—unafraid of potential hurt and pain. He was not timid or tentative in his approach. If I had rejected his advances, I’m sure it would not have bothered him. A man can be relatively plain looking, but if he is self-assured, brave, humble, and polite he will appear more attractive to women. Women swoon over such men. A woman pursued by such a man feels desirable and beautiful, worthy of love and affection.

If I have not been clear, let me now put it bluntly: Most men today are wimps. They’re so worried about getting their feelings hurt, they don’t ask girls on dates; they don’t ask women to marry them. Instead, they wait for the girl to make the first move. This is unnatural and frustrating. Our society pushes women into this role, but most of us do not want it. When a woman has to ask a guy out, she’s getting a man that is already less than her ideal. She’s having to be the chaser when, in her dreams and in her very soul, she longs to be the one pursued; to feel irresistible. Being desired makes a woman feel alive, beautiful, worthy of love and affection—and it must not end with the wedding. To keep a marriage growing and healthy, you have to keep on courting and wooing your wife, giving her gifts, giving her flowers, doing kind things for her, taking her out on dates, repairing things around the house. All these things make a woman feel wanted, loved, and cared for.

So, in conclusion, I’m shouting this clarion call to all men: Set aside your fears of rejection, hurt and pain. Stop being a wimp. Man up, be bold, be courageous and get all the love and happiness you want and deserve in life.

What Women Want: Trust (article #1)

As a wizpert.com relationship advice expert, I have had several conversations with men who have recently “lost” their girlfriends or wives. Sometimes I chat with two or three men a day about this very subject. It’s tragic, but because I see the same pattern over and over, I am writing this blog with the hope that it will help more men out there.

Women want to be trusted. Let’s say you start getting suspicious and stop trusting your spouse or girlfriend. Let’s say she suspects or knows that you no longer trust her. These ingredients spell disaster. The relationship is likely to end—even if you have a viable reason for your suspicion and lack of trust. Why? Truth or not, no woman likes to be accused. (It’s human nature, actually.) If you decide to confront her and she confesses, there’s a slight chance she’ll be sorry enough to mend the relationship, but there’s still a high possibility of the relationship ending. I would definitely not recommend confronting her. If you decide to confront her and she denies your accusations, you have an even higher chance of losing her. No woman likes a jealous guy who doesn’t trust her—whether he’s right or wrong; whether she’s telling the truth or not. As soon as the trust is gone, it’s time to start packing up and moving on.

So, what do you do if you no longer trust your wife or girlfriend? I suggest the following:

1.       Pray. Ask God to help you overcome your pain and feelings of betrayal. Ask God to help you to forgive her for what she might have done and to forget about whatever she might not have done.

2.       Ask a counselor for advice. Talk with a therapist about your jealous feelings and suspicions. Your counselor might be able to help you sort out whether your suspicions are real or imagined. Your counselor should be able to help you cope with your situation and help you figure out what to do next—whether your lack of trust is warranted or not.

3.       Give her more space and freedom. It’s the exact opposite of what you want to do when you don't trust someone, but giving your wife or girlfriend more freedom demonstrates trust and love and respect. It shows that you believe in her and that you’re not clingy or possessive. If she has any desire to leave you, giving her more space and freedom can, in many cases, make you more desirable to her and make her less likely to leave you. What do space and freedom look like? They can look like a lot of things, but here are a few possibilities:

a.       Give her financial freedom. It may sound materialistic and worldly, but money represents freedom. If you’re married, make sure she has her own bank account and full access to any money therein. Total control over your wife’s or girlfriend’s money is a violation of her freedom. If you’re better with money than she is, talk about it, but it’s still important to make sure the two of you reach an agreement regarding how much money she wants and needs—and make sure you give her that (within reason and after bills are paid, of course). If she wants to work, don’t stop her. Make sure she has a car and access to a place of employment whenever she wants. If she’s unable to work right now because of caring for children at home, it’s even more important to make sure she has plenty of personal spending cash and freedom to spend it however she wishes.

b.      Don’t stalk her. Don’t follow her. Don’t ask around about her. She will notice and your suspicious activity will backfire on your relationship.

c.       Give her time for herself. This is especially important for stay-at-home moms. They may not think they need it, but watching the kids for a few hours while she goes out with her friends to shop, eat out at a restaurant, work out at the gym, or go to the movies is of immense value to her. Giving her this gift of time shows that you trust her, love her, and value her.

d.      Be the first to apologize after an argument. This is one of the toughest things to do, but it is also one of the most mature and effective things you can do to protect a relationship. Admit to some wrongdoing on your part, even if you’re 99.9% right and she’s really the one in the wrong. Don’t follow it up with “but” and remind her of what she did or said that hurt you or made you angry. If you’re the first to say you’re sorry, it gives her freedom to feel some conviction and admit where she was wrong (although you should not expect this of her). Being the first to apologize also shows respect for her and your relationship. It means she is more important than your desire to be right. My wonderful husband nearly always apologizes first after an argument and I now work harder to be the first to say I'm sorry. Sometimes this means I have to search really hard for something I might have done wrong--even when I feel he's totally at fault. It's terribly humbling and difficult to apologize, but it so worth it for preserving a relationship.

Stop Texting and Move Ahead in Your Relationship

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m just not into the whole texting thing. My husband and I run a business and we find it more relational to answer the phone and talk to people—with our voices. What’s funny to me is how many people respond with a surprised, “I can’t believe you actually answered the phone!” It’s true that most businesses these days have a recorded answering system, a maze of choices to make, and numerous buttons to push before you get to a live person—if you get to a live person at all.

Maybe it’s just me, but don’t you think you’re relationship would be more personal if you talked with your real live voices once in awhile? I’m even more shocked at how many people contact me on wizpert.com for advice and they tell me they’re “seeing” someone, but they don’t really ever “see” him or her or talk on the phone to each other. They just text.

I have had both men and women ask me how to get to the next level of a relationship. Many couples have been texting each other for weeks or months. I’ll tell you how to move on in your relationship: You have to talk to each other—either over the phone or, better yet, in person. That’s where I get what I consider odd feedback from people. Many couples don’t want to be the first to make the move. I think they’re seriously afraid—afraid of rejection, afraid of not knowing what to do, afraid of not knowing how to act or what to say in a personal encounter. Texting is familiar, comfortable, and safe. The problem is, it keeps many couples stuck in a rut.

If you’ve been texting for a week or two, it’s already time to move on to the next level. Guys, I hope you’ll be the ones to make the first move, because most girls love a can-do man who knows what he wants and goes for it. Girls want to be pursued. The pursuit makes her feel desirable, irresistible, and attractive. Don’t wait for her to initiate. Too many guys wait for the girl to make all the moves and it’s not attractive. (But more on that topic in another blog.)

Don’t know what to say? Start with asking questions: What’s your favorite food/flower/TV show? What’s your dream vacation? What was it like for you growing up? What kinds of movies or books do you like? Asking just a few questions can get just about anyone talking. If and when you meet in person, look at each other in the eyes, hold hands, sit close to one another while watching a movie together. I know these seem to be foreign concepts to most of today’s dating population, but I think you’ll be happily surprised at what human contact can do for a relationship. Yes, I’m old-fashioned, but if you’re trying to build a potentially long-term relationship that could lead to marriage, try to get to know each other as friends and save sex for the wedding night.

So, once again, get out of your comfort zone. Be bold. Be fearless. I know it's hard, but risk rejection. Text one last message asking to meet in person (or talk on the phone or video conference); then stop texting so you can move ahead in your relationship. I think you’ll be glad you did.

My Thoughts on Marble Mountain Kennels/Detection Dogs, School Shootings & Family Violence

As most of you know, Pete and I own a business called, “Marble Mountain Kennels” and “Marble Mountain Detection Dogs” (MMKennels.com & MMDD), where we raise, train and sell high quality, intelligent, AKC-registered Labrador retrievers that hunt, point, retrieve, and/or detect specific things like weapons, drugs, food allergens, and even pesky bed bugs. When we train and sell a dog to a police department, the military, or other criminal justice institution, we are, helping to end violence and make children safer and more secure in a very insecure world.

It just so happens that my husband Pete is also the director of Mt. Hermon’s Kidder Creek Camp in Greenview, California. This summer When Kidder Creek Camp partnered with Casey Gwinn, founder of Camp Hope, for an incredibly rewarding and amazingly successful ministry to children of family violence. Camp Hope and Family Justice Centers are all about ending family violence, healing the lives of child victims of domestic abuse, and giving children the opportunity to experience the childhood they almost missed. Dozens of Marble Mountain Kennels puppies were held and loved by Camp Hope campers—and those little puppies provided warmth, love, and comfort to hundreds of little campers. It’s rather ironic that many of those same puppies will grow up to be detection dogs trained to sniff out weapons, narcotics, and fire accelerants, protecting and serving more children.

It is unfortunate, but with school shootings, public bombings, and other terrorist acts increasing in our nation, the demand for our dogs continues to grow. We are working hard to fill that need.

It may be a stretch, but I can see how Camp Hope and Marble Mountain Kennels go hand in hand. Some of our dogs already work for the military, fire departments, and airports. I foresee that our dogs will soon be placed in police departments, schools, and other strategic locations to continue to provide therapeutic unconditional love as well as protective services to more children and families.

What Does it Mean When He Does That?

Each person is unique and every relationship crisis, dilemma or situation is unique. When people write out their questions to me and seek my advice, I definitely take them on a case by case basis. That said, I’m also noticing a definite pattern in the questions I’m getting.

 

The biggest question seems to be: “What does it mean when he says or does this or that?”

 

I will probably add more to this list in the future, but here’s advice in two different scenarios:

 

1.       Why did he stop communicating with me? When a guy texts you every day and suddenly stops answering all your messages and doesn’t communicate for days at a time, let him go and STOP BUGGING HIM. I know it hurts your feelings, but he has lost interest in you for whatever reason. Perhaps you were opening up too much; maybe you were getting too clingy; maybe you seemed too needy; perhaps it seemed you were moving too fast and wanted too much from him. I’m not sure, but if you keep writing to him, you’ll just irritate and annoy him. Don’t take his rejection so personally. If he doesn’t find you relationship-worthy, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you; it just means you weren’t a good fit for each other. Let him go, learn from your mistakes, and move on with your life. Find another guy. (Actually, this advice could apply to men too.)

 

2.       What does it mean when he’s flirting with me? Of course, if a guy flirts with you it means he likes you. That can be a really good thing. A guy has to do something to get your attention somehow and flirting is usually positive, successful, and harmless. It can even lead to a good, strong, long-term relationship. However, in some cases, a guy who flirts might just be a ladies’ man and not be all that into you exclusively. He might want zero long-term commitment and desire only to have sex with you. You can flirt back a little and have fun, but be cautious. These guys are very good at what they do and well-experienced. If you’re looking for a husband, do your research. Find out more about him. Watch him closely. Does he flirt a lot with other women? Does he date and dump frequently? What do his past girlfriends say about him? Highly flirtatious "Dater-Dumpers" are usually one of the following: 1) not the marrying type at all; 2) the marrying type who will probably be divorced soon after marriage; or 3) not serious about marriage yet, because they're still young and immature and want to “sow their wild oats” before settling down. Let's hope your guy is not a "Dater-Dumper" unless he's #3 and, even better, a guy who's capable of being committed and loving for the long-term. If you're not serious about a long-term relationship, just flirt back, go out on some dates, and just have fun!

How to Get to Know Someone – Improving Your Interpersonal Communication Skills

Communication…

 

You hear this all the time, but communication seems to be lacking in relationships these days—and it’s not just because of computers, the internet and texting. I have been hearing about the communication deficit in relationships for decades—even before the invention of the internet and texting.

 

It’s not always that there’s a lack of communication, though. There’s also a lot of miscommunication. Women read way too much into what a guy says or how he behaves and men don’t read enough; they miss a lot of cues. It’s rather funny from my perspective, but not at all funny to you, my readers, so I am taking you seriously. (It’s just a little bit humorous that God made men and women so different in this communication area.)

 

Many of you ask me, “How do I talk to him?” or “How do I talk to her?” You don’t know what to say, you don’t know how to break the ice; you don’t know how to initiate a conversation.

 

Here are 3 tidbits of advice:

 

1)      My number one piece of advice to women:  SMILE! I always wondered why I had a lot of guys asking me out in my twenties before I got married. It’s certainly not because I was so beautiful; I was pretty, but not in any extraordinary way. My husband says it’s because I smile a lot—even at other men. He says my smile alone made me pretty. I think he’s right. I am a little more careful about smiling at other men now that I’m married, but I have noticed that women don’t often smile at men. Maybe it’s because they don’t want guys to think they’re too forward. When a woman smiles at a guy it makes him feel special, because it’s so rare. A smile from a woman puts a guy at ease. It makes the woman more approachable. It gives a man the courage he needs to initiate a conversation and ask a girl out on a date. (A man smiling at a woman is not such a rarity, but it’s always nice and it certainly makes a man appear more attractive, so men should smile, as well!)

 

2)      My second piece of advice to men and women: REMOVE DISTRACTIONS. Whether you’re just getting to know someone or you’ve been dating or married to a person for a long time, focus on your partner. Stop texting! Put your phone somewhere you can’t see or hear it. Turn it off. Go someplace where noise, games, television shows, etc. can’t interrupt any possibility of a true, heartfelt, verbal conversation. Making no effort to remove distractions is rude. It shows that other things are more important than your partner.

 

3)      My third piece of advice to men and women: ASK QUESTIONS. Don’t bombard people, but you can usually get a conversation rolling by being inquisitive and getting others to open up and talk to you. This goes for just getting to know someone for the first time or for couples married for a dozen years or more. My husband often asks me, “What do you think God been teaching you lately?” or “What are you excited about these days?” Whatever the topic, it only takes one or two questions to start. Be curious. It shows that you care. Find out what he likes, dislikes, how she feels about things, what common interests the two of you have. We all want to be with someone who genuinely wants to know more about us personally. In fact, our very souls crave being deeply known and accepted. So, if you want to get to know someone better, ask questions, remember their answers, look them in the eyes (Stop texting!), nod once in awhile and say things like, “Hm” or “Wow” or “Nice” to show you are really interested. And keep asking questions as the conversation progresses.