Having been married to an abusive man for seven years, I
still have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from time to time. However, I
haven’t had a PTSD episode for over a year now and, was beginning to feel very
healthy and proud of myself. Then it hit me last week when I experienced a
traumatic relapse. The Bible is right again—pride really does come before a
fall.
It has been five years since my abusive ex-husband did any
major attacking of me or my children. It has been five and a-half years since I
married my wonderfully strong, encouraging and protective husband Pete. He is a
rare gem indeed. Because of his fearless strength, I have not had to speak to
or write to my ex-husband in nearly six years. My husband runs interference
with my ex-husband and fends off any and every possible attack, manipulative
word, and seemingly meaningless communication.
I believe that my post-divorce insulated protection has put
my emotional and psychological healing on fast-forward. For many abuse victims
suffering from PTSD, the healing process is slow, but I have been blessed with progressively
fewer and fewer PTSD episodes, nightmares, and panic attacks as the years go
on. But my protected life has had some negatives....
I was recently asked to help care for an ailing elderly
couple in their home as an elder care assistant. I was warned before I began the
job that the wife had narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). “No problem,” I
assured my new boss. “My ex-husband had NPD. I’m well-acquainted with this
disorder and, after seven years of living with my NPD ex-husband plus two more
years of abusive attacks, I know how to deal with it.” I had long seen a
connection between demonic possession and NPD. With my ex-husband, as terrible
as the abuse was, my faith in God was strengthened as I dug deeply into the
Bible, prayed fervently, and spoke the words of Scripture aloud into every
abusive situation. If anyone could handle NPD, it was I. Besides, I thought,
how bad could an NPD female be? First of all, NPD is rare. Could this woman
really have it? Furthermore, most individuals with NPD are males. I believed I
could “suck up” to this old woman, win her over, and avoid any potential
violence intended toward me. I should not have been so overly confident.
As the weeks went on, this crafty, manipulative woman
gradually yet progressively attacked me verbally in subtle ways—minor assaults
with very little noticeable significance aside from a few pinpricks to my
formerly damaged psyche. I would hear her rude words and quickly dismiss them.
In fact, I was able to laugh them off and have a sense of humor about the episodes.
Last week I had a crash “refresher” course in abuse. “NPD
Girl” verbally put down her poor, dear husband right in front of him and I
reacted without premeditated thought. I reprimanded the woman and covered her
husband’s ears. Defensive and angry, she verbally attacked me. I managed to
escape the room with her husband before her abuse could continue. Thinking I
was safe, I was unprepared for a second, even harsher barrage of harassment
from NPD Girl approximately an hour later, when she told me to never again try
to protect her husband from her. Instead of wisely backing down, I engaged in a
confrontational conversation with her, once again defending her husband and
explaining to her that her words were mean and abusive.
In a way that was astonishingly reminiscent of my
ex-husband, this woman let loose with a vitriolic sludge of verbal assault against
me. She also physically hit me on my arm—and for a seemingly frail old woman, she
hit hard.
I had often wondered at my ex-husband’s psychological
attacks against me. There were times when something otherworldly flashed in my
abuser’s eyes, his face contorted into something inhuman, and his voice took on
unrecognizable tones and pitches. Demonic? I wasn’t sure—until now. There was
something remarkably familiar in NPD Girl’s eyes and voice. There was that same
look of sheer hatred in her eyes and the sound of murder in her voice. What
shocked me more than anything was this woman’s choice of words. They were
identical to my ex-husband’s words. How could that be? How could she possibly
know the exact words my ex-husband had used to abuse me, cut me to the core of
my soul, claw and shred my heart into tiny bloody bits, and make me want to
curl up and die on the spot? This woman’s words were too familiar to be
anything but demonic. Only a demon could know so precisely how to strike me to
inflict the greatest damage, right?
I was floored. Instead of standing up to the woman and
speaking words of Scripture, I came under a heavy, oppressive weight of utter
submission to whatever was speaking to me through NPD Girl. I knew I was under
demonic attack, yet I felt utterly powerless, helpless, and oddly calm and
relaxed. It was as though I was in a trance. She (or rather the demon in her)
said I was worthless, that others wished I were dead, that I had no right to be
alive, that I’m stupid, and many other terrible things. I felt instantly
abandoned by God. The worst thing was that I fully believed every terrible
thing I heard, accepting every evil word as real and true. Seven and a-half
long years of counseling and speaking the Bible aloud to my spirit to reprogram
my mind to believe truth rather than lies… It had all disappeared in a matter
of minutes. I hadn’t felt suicidal in years—not since I was married to my
ex-husband, while enduring his daily torment. Now I was suddenly entertaining suicidal
thoughts.
Thankfully, I called my mom. She is a spiritually strong
woman who has continually spoken truth to me. She prayed with me, spoke against
whatever demonic attack I had come under, and urged me not to go back to work in
that house. She assured me that my lack of faith in God would return quickly.
She was right. I mustered up the courage to call my boss and tell her that I
was so badly injured by this old and abusive woman that I could only return to
work if the abuser was removed or in some way restrained. I needed complete
assurance that I would be completely protected from further harm—physical,
psychological or otherwise.
By God’s mercy and grace, I have not been asked to return to
work in that home. I washed my mind in the spoken Word of God, I conquered the
lies with truth, and my faith in God has returned. I need another job, but I’m
praying about it as I seek out and diligently inquire into various positions. Something
will work out. I trust that the Lord is leading me, just as He led me into the
throes of spiritual battle to refresh my memory, reminding me of what it is
like to be abused. I was fortunate this time to be provided with an easy way of
escape. I am reminded of how perilously difficult it is for abuse victims to
get out of their prisons. My heart is once again softened toward women trapped
in the demonic chains of violence. It’s hard to reverse brainwashing. It’s hard
to believe truth when you can’t distinguish truth from lies. I pray for victims
to see their way of escape and have the courage to take steps toward truth and freedom...and
never again return to lies from the pit of hell. It can be a long, arduous
journey.
