How the Father's Rights Movement Continues to Hurt Children

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From the sound of my title, it may seem that I’m anti-father. Nope. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my father. I love my husband who is a father. I respect and admire all good fathers. I think children should have relationships with good, kind, loving fathers. However, I have seen what happens to children who are in the custody of abusive fathers and the effects are very damaging to the children.

It is all too common for a woman to finally escape from her abusive partner, attempt to protect her children from their father, and then have the courts rule that the parents share 50/50 custody of the children. This is due to the powerful agenda of the “Men’s Rights Movement” or “Father’s Rights Movement.”

Father’s rights… Sounds good, fair and just, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. The Father’s Rights Movement is a powerful lobby group that often works on behalf of men who have abused their partners/wives, attacking the children as a means of continuing the abuse of the partner or wife that got away. Many innocent, well-meaning fathers may think that joining this movement will help them and their children, but may they be forewarned.

For several years now, the Father’s Rights Movement has gained ground in the fight against women and children in custody cases. However, the children caught up in these custody battles have been growing up, moving out, moving on, and speaking out against their fathers—fathers who punished their ex-wives for leaving an abusive situation—fathers who fought and “won” in court by getting 50/50 custody of their kids—fathers who abused their children after being granted legal custody. I guess none of these fathers thought their kids would someday grow up, get brave, and tell the truth.

Today, there is hope for women and children victims of violence. These adult children of abusive men are making a difference for the rights and safety of children. They are telling the truth and these truths are strong arguments against the Father’s Rights Movement:

1.       Men who beat or otherwise abuse their wives are likely to beat or otherwise abuse their children. (Isn’t that pure logic? How could anyone think otherwise?)

2.       Witnessing domestic violence is child abuse. A man who used to beat or otherwise abuse the mother of his children will likely beat his next partner or wife. The children will, once again, witness domestic violence.

3.       Children who witness violence against their mothers suffer behavioral harm, emotional harm, irreversible physical damage to their brain development, and other types of physical harm, such as insomnia, headaches, stomach aches, diarrhea, ulcers, and asthma.

4.       Children who witness family violence are more likely to enter into dysfunctional relationship, commit crimes, and either become abuse victims or continue the cycle of violence by abusing their future partners.

5.       When a father gets 50/50 custody of children, the abuse against the children’s mother does not end. “In almost three-fourths of spouse-on-spouse assaults, the perpetrator and survivor were separated or divorced at the time of the incident.” (Jack C. Straton, PhD of Portland State University and the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS), in his article titled, “What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men?”) It is also a well-known fact that a woman’s chances of being killed by her abuser are much higher after she escapes. All of this, of course, adversely affects the children.

6.       Abusive men often abduct/kidnap children as another means of retaliation against partners who left them. There is no need to mention all the ways that this damages the children.

These are depressing facts, but I want to end this blog entry with hope. Mothers who are fighting for the rights and safety of their children against corrupt judges, the powerful Father’s Rights Movement, and abusive exes, there is hope for you and your children. The truth is coming out and the tide is turning. Adult children of abuse are speaking out on behalf of your kids and “the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

Where can you find practical hope right now? One place I urge you to contact is Family Justice Centers of America (FJCA) at http://www.familyjusticecenter.org/. I will write more about this wonderful and very powerful organization in upcoming articles, but for now, I want you to find the Family Justice Center nearest you and call or write to them. Even if there is no FJCA close by, advocates for women and children will do their best to help you.

Source:

Jack C. Straton, PhD of Portland State University and the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS), in his article titled, “What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men?”

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/site-index/site-index-frame.html#soulhttp://www.thelizlibrary.org/fathers/

Identifying Abuse: Common Characteristics of the Man who Abuses

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I wish I had read and applied this list when I was dating my ex-husband nearly a decade and a half ago. Perhaps it will help to answer the questions of someone in a dating relationship. Perhaps it will open the eyes of a few women currently involved in a questionable relationship. 

Common Characteristics of the Man who Batters (or otherwise abuses)

1.       He has low self-esteem.

2.       He believes all the myths about battering relationships.

3.       He is a traditionalist believing in male supremacy and the stereotypical masculine sex role in the family. He feels he has the right to “teach her a lesson.”

4.       He blames others for his actions.

5.       He has exaggerated jealousy. In order for him to feel secure, he must become overinvolved in his wife’s life. Often he will make her account for every moment of her time. Despite constant surveillance, he is still suspicious of every relationship she has with other men and women. Frequently there is verbal abuse about suspected affairs.

6.       He exhibits a dual personality.

7.       He has severe stress reactions during which he uses drinking and/or wife beating to cope.

8.       He uses sex as an aggressive act to enhance his self-esteem in view of waning virility.

9.       He does not believe that his violent behavior should have any negative consequences.

10.   He typically denies that the couple has a problem and become enraged if his partner reveals the true situation.

11.   He has an element of overkill. He overdoes things, both while battering (cannot seem to control the brutal attack) and when in a loving period (showers partner with affection, attention, and gifts.)

12.   He came from a violent home. He either saw his father beat his mother or was himself battered.

13.   His relationship with his mother was unusual. Often there was an ambivalent love-hate relationship. His mother had a good deal of control over his behavior; yet he often abused her emotionally and rebelled against her.

14.   His personality is distorted. Usually there is a history of being a longer or socially involved only on a superficial level.

15.   He often accomplishes feats that others are unable to do. Batterers love to impress their women.

16.   [He is extremely sensitive.] Generally, they are extremely sensitive to differences in other people’s behavior. They can predict reactions to others faster than most. Under stress, their sensitivity becomes paranoid in nature.

From pp. 43 and 44 of Angry Men and the Women who Love Them, by Paul Hegstrom

Which Does God Hate More – Divorce or Abuse?

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Malachi 2:16 states that God hates divorce. Abusers love to quote that passage as a means of spiritually controlling and abusing their wives.

But, as much as God hates divorce, He hates abuse even more.

There are at least a couple of places in the Bible where God commands the respectful treatment of a wife by her husband. I wrote of one such example in an earlier article titled, When God Commands Divorce, based on Exodus 21.

In Exodus, chapter 21, God’s law stated that a husband must provide food, clothing, and marital rights his wife, regardless of whether or not he loved his wife, and regardless of whether or not she was slave or free. The law also commands any husband not providing these basic provisions to divorce his wife. In this way God protects women from neglect and a lack of love.

There’s another example of God’s protection for women in Deuteronomy 21:10-14, which states that if an Israelite man takes a woman prisoner of war as his wife and later decides that he does not love her, he must not treat her brutally. According to the Jewish rabbinical method of reasoning, we would argue from the lesser to the greater. For example, if this is true of a foreign prisoner of war wife (one who could have been sold into slavery), then the command is applied even more strictly to a husband with a free woman of his own culture. Therefore, the command is for all husbands to treat their wives with respect and without brutality. Deuteronomy 21 goes on to state that if a husband decides he does not love his prisoner of war bride, he must set her free, which means to divorce her.

Conclusion: God does not tolerate abuse; He clearly hates it more than divorce.