What is abuse?

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What is abuse?

It may sound like an obvious question at first, but I was deeply involved in an abusive relationship for seven years and it never fully registered in my brain that I was being abused until after I left—for the 7^th and final time. So, asking the question, “What is abuse?” is not stupid. In fact, it could be the most important question you ask.

According to domestic violence and other publications, abuse is:

·         intimidation

·         humiliating the other person

·         physical injury

·         any combination of the above

Domestic abuse is not a result of losing control; domestic abuse is intentionally trying to control another person. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, nonverbal, or physical means to gain control over the other person. 

Types of Abuse:

• physical abuse (often called domestic violence)
• verbal or nonverbal abuse (psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse)
• sexual abuse
• stalking or cyberstalking
• economic abuse or financial abuse
• spiritual abuse

I’m going to talk about the following types of abuse from the above list: physical, verbal/nonverbal, economic/financial, and spiritual, because those are the ones with which I am most familiar.

What is physical abuse?

Again, it may seem like this is another dumb question, but it’s not. Here is a (non-inclusive) list of actions that fall under physical abuse:

• pushing
• throwing
• kicking
• slapping
• grabbing
• hitting
• punching
• beating
• tripping
• battering
• bruising
• choking
• shaking
• pinching
• biting
• holding
• restraining
• confinement
• blocking
• breaking bones
• assault with a weapon such as a knife or gun
• burning
• murder
• physically and non-verbally threatening any form of assault

All of the above physical abuses are also mentally abusive, because they cause emotional damage to the victim. While married to my ex, I failed to recognize that he was physically abusing me. Why? First, I made excuses for everything he did. Second, he never slapped me, beat me, or drew blood. When I met with a domestic violence counselor and she read this list to me, I was able to identify that he physically abused me in several ways—blocking, confining, shoving, pushing, hitting, containing, and threatening physical assault.

Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse is harder to define, but let me give you some examples from my own experience:

My ex would lunge at me and push and shove me. He said he had only “bumped” me. He was very proud of the fact that he had “never laid a hand on me.” I tend to bruise easily, so, in the following days, bruises would appear on my forearms where I had blocked his assaults. Clearly, he had done more than just accidentally “bumping” me. He had actually hit me, pushed me, shoved me, but I was confused when he changed the terminology of the actions. Changing the definition of words is a common form of psychological abuse.

Psychological abusers like to play mind games as a form of control over their victims. When my ex would see my bruises or wounds, he would pretend to have completely forgotten about his assaults and ask, “What happened to you? Did you hurt yourself? What a klutz!” When I tried to explain, he would tell me to be more careful and not get in his way when he’s angry. This psychological game confused me and made me wonder if my injuries were actually my fault. I would then apologize to him for the injuries he inflicted upon me. How sick and confusing is that?

As you can see from the above descriptions, abuse can be a twisted mixture of physical, emotional, and psychological. I am recovering and have had fewer and fewer episodes, but, due to the abuse my ex caused me in my previous marriage, I still suffer occasional post-traumatic stress disorder reactions to this day.

Financial Abuse and Spiritual Abuse

Since many abuses are intertwined, I’ll relate to you an example of how my ex-husband combined financial and spiritual abuse. My ex-husband would leave for two-three months at a time and leave me alone with our young daughter. We had no car (or no gas in the car if there was a car), no phone, very little food (which would often run out during those time periods), no internet access, and basically no contact with the outside world. We were trapped in our own home, hungry, without heat or air conditioning, running water. My ex played the spiritual abuse card, quoting Scripture and explaining that I was unholy, unspiritual, spoiled, and in need of humbling.

*NOTE: I will add here that my ex’s domestic violence abuse was also child abuse. Domestic violence is child abuse, because it emotionally damages children. My ex also abused our daughter via neglect. My ex never cared what happened to our child. He didn’t care that she was hungry or that she didn’t have fresh running water to drink or water with which to flush toilets or water to wash her diapers and clothes. Surprisingly, those times when my ex went away were special for my daughter and me. We were finally alone and safe—at least for awhile.

My above description does not adequately cover spiritual abuse, so allow me to expand on that with a more professional definition.

Spiritual abuse can come from any number of sources: spouse, boyfriend, partner, boss, pastor, friend, others in church, etc. Spiritual abuse is when a person uses his religious authority to mislead or mistreat another person in the name of a deity (god), such as the God of the Bible. Spiritual abuse is used to put a victim in a state of unquestioning obedience, using spiritual knowledge to deprive, torture, degrade, isolate, and control another person.

Abuse can come from either a man or woman but since most abusers happen to be men. Most of my readers have been women, but understand that, if you are a man in an abusive relationship of any kind, I am speaking to you too. I am also writing to those of you who might know someone who is being abused. I hope you will gain insight into how you or someone you know can recognize types of abuse and get help, if necessary.

http://www.aaets.org/article144.htm American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress

Avoid Communicating with an Abusive Ex when Children are Involved

Fear of your abusive ex-husband or partner may not leave you for years to come. Post-traumatic stress disorder could prolong your healing process and emotional recovery. You need time, counseling, prayer, friends, family and LOTS of distance from your ex-husband in order to heal and learn what it is to feel safe again.

In the meantime, I want to tell you a big secret—one that the courts, attorneys, and mediators do not want you to know: If you are too afraid of your abusive ex-husband or partner, you never have to see him or communicate with him directly again--ever.

Unfortunately, most people in the legal system have no inkling of just how much courage it takes for a woman to leave her abuser—especially if there are children involved. Nevertheless, the victim is told that she must communicate with her ex-husband or partner in order to “normalize” the relationship between the ex and his biological children and make things “easier” on the children.

The truth is, the victim has every right to discontinue all contact with her abuser--and it can be the best choice for your children, because the victim finally gets a chance to recover and lead a more peaceful, calm, normal life. Regular contact and communication with an abusive ex-husband or partner can keep a recovering abuse victim stuck in emotional trauma. Most abusers want to remain in contact with their escaped victims, because it maintains their control and gives them further opportunity to keep on with their emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse.

Obtaining a “No Contact Order” or “Restraining Order” from the court may or may not be granted. If you can get one, great. If you do not have sufficient evidence and/or police reports of your ex’s abuse toward you, it doesn’t matter. You can request that a professional domestic violence advocate sit with you in the courtroom, shielding you from the intimidation tactics of your ex. You can request of the judge that you have a go-between or mediator to relay all messages between you and your ex. You can protect your phone number, your email address, your mailing address, and your physical address. It might prove an annoying challenge, but you can find a friend or family member to relay important messages to your ex and screen all messages coming from him so that you don't have to read anything potentially upsetting to you.

Are you too afraid to come into contact with your abuser during visitation exchanges with your children? Arrange for friends and family members to help. It may be a long-term commitment, but if you have a list of people who can assist you, they can rotate through the list so that someone is always there for your protection—and the protection of your children.

If your ex-husband or partner was personable and kind and you simply had irreconcilable differences that pulled your marriage apart, communication with him is reasonable, acceptable and expected. However, communication and contact with a former abuser can be confusing at the least; deadly at the worst. If you do not feel safe around your ex, don’t put yourself in a position to be abused again in any way. Staying safe protects your sanity and emotional wellbeing and you desperately need these things—for your own personal recovery and the wellbeing of your children.