Why doesn't she want to move in with me?

Surprisingly, I get this question from a lot of guys out there. I'm sure men will continue to ask the question and I'm happy to provide the answer again and again, but here is the answer for those of you who happen to be searching online and not chatting directly with me on https://wizpert.com/.

Have you been dating for months, even years? Is your relationship progressing and growing deeper? Then you might think it's time to move in together, right? Wrong! Most women will take great offense at such a proposition, because it does not progress your relationship. In fact, it puts it on hold, stalls it, suspends it for an indefinite period of time.

Why? Because you're not making her feel special. That's what women want--to feel desired, wanted--like she's the most important person in the world to you. She may feel less loved by you, less cared for, less important.

So, what does make a girl feel loved, desired, wanted, special? Commitment. Yep, I said it...the big "C" word. Asking your girlfriend to MARRY you says you're "all in," not just partway, not halfway, but 100%. A marriage commitment says you're ready to give everything to her, to care for her financially, emotionally and spiritually for the rest of her life.

Every girl deserves a committed, life-long, fully responsible, caring marriage relationship that will make her feel secure in your love for her and your family. If you're not ready or willing to give this sacrificial gift to her, you are at risk of losing her forever. If she's wise, she will move on to find a man who will give his life for her.

Your girlfriend is looking for a hero--not a knight in shining armor or a prince charming, but a grown up, mature, responsible man who is willing to work hard to provide for her every need and take care of his family.

Such heroes are few and far between in the world today, so become that hero and you will be one of the few. You will also probably discover that being committed and responsible makes you proud, more mature, more masculine...and that will make you happy. Why is this? Because caring for others is how God created you to be. But that is a topic for another time....

For now, take time to consider why you want your girlfriend to move in with you. Why don't you want to marry her? Are you fearful? If so, what are you afraid of?

If you're in a relationship, you're in this together. If she was offended when you asked her to move in with you, sit down with her and ask her why she's upset. Ask her if she would prefer marriage. Respect her feelings and consider her needs. Be honest with her. Share your heart with her. Tell her your concerns. Decide together if marriage is a good idea at this time or if you need to wait.

Every human being has a deep longing to know others and to be fully known and understood. Talk it out. (But please do it in person and not via text-messaging, for pity's sake!) You might be happily surprised at where your intimate communication leads you.

What is abuse?

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What is abuse?

It may sound like an obvious question at first, but I was deeply involved in an abusive relationship for seven years and it never fully registered in my brain that I was being abused until after I left—for the 7^th and final time. So, asking the question, “What is abuse?” is not stupid. In fact, it could be the most important question you ask.

According to domestic violence and other publications, abuse is:

·         intimidation

·         humiliating the other person

·         physical injury

·         any combination of the above

Domestic abuse is not a result of losing control; domestic abuse is intentionally trying to control another person. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, nonverbal, or physical means to gain control over the other person. 

Types of Abuse:

• physical abuse (often called domestic violence)
• verbal or nonverbal abuse (psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse)
• sexual abuse
• stalking or cyberstalking
• economic abuse or financial abuse
• spiritual abuse

I’m going to talk about the following types of abuse from the above list: physical, verbal/nonverbal, economic/financial, and spiritual, because those are the ones with which I am most familiar.

What is physical abuse?

Again, it may seem like this is another dumb question, but it’s not. Here is a (non-inclusive) list of actions that fall under physical abuse:

• pushing
• throwing
• kicking
• slapping
• grabbing
• hitting
• punching
• beating
• tripping
• battering
• bruising
• choking
• shaking
• pinching
• biting
• holding
• restraining
• confinement
• blocking
• breaking bones
• assault with a weapon such as a knife or gun
• burning
• murder
• physically and non-verbally threatening any form of assault

All of the above physical abuses are also mentally abusive, because they cause emotional damage to the victim. While married to my ex, I failed to recognize that he was physically abusing me. Why? First, I made excuses for everything he did. Second, he never slapped me, beat me, or drew blood. When I met with a domestic violence counselor and she read this list to me, I was able to identify that he physically abused me in several ways—blocking, confining, shoving, pushing, hitting, containing, and threatening physical assault.

Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse is harder to define, but let me give you some examples from my own experience:

My ex would lunge at me and push and shove me. He said he had only “bumped” me. He was very proud of the fact that he had “never laid a hand on me.” I tend to bruise easily, so, in the following days, bruises would appear on my forearms where I had blocked his assaults. Clearly, he had done more than just accidentally “bumping” me. He had actually hit me, pushed me, shoved me, but I was confused when he changed the terminology of the actions. Changing the definition of words is a common form of psychological abuse.

Psychological abusers like to play mind games as a form of control over their victims. When my ex would see my bruises or wounds, he would pretend to have completely forgotten about his assaults and ask, “What happened to you? Did you hurt yourself? What a klutz!” When I tried to explain, he would tell me to be more careful and not get in his way when he’s angry. This psychological game confused me and made me wonder if my injuries were actually my fault. I would then apologize to him for the injuries he inflicted upon me. How sick and confusing is that?

As you can see from the above descriptions, abuse can be a twisted mixture of physical, emotional, and psychological. I am recovering and have had fewer and fewer episodes, but, due to the abuse my ex caused me in my previous marriage, I still suffer occasional post-traumatic stress disorder reactions to this day.

Financial Abuse and Spiritual Abuse

Since many abuses are intertwined, I’ll relate to you an example of how my ex-husband combined financial and spiritual abuse. My ex-husband would leave for two-three months at a time and leave me alone with our young daughter. We had no car (or no gas in the car if there was a car), no phone, very little food (which would often run out during those time periods), no internet access, and basically no contact with the outside world. We were trapped in our own home, hungry, without heat or air conditioning, running water. My ex played the spiritual abuse card, quoting Scripture and explaining that I was unholy, unspiritual, spoiled, and in need of humbling.

*NOTE: I will add here that my ex’s domestic violence abuse was also child abuse. Domestic violence is child abuse, because it emotionally damages children. My ex also abused our daughter via neglect. My ex never cared what happened to our child. He didn’t care that she was hungry or that she didn’t have fresh running water to drink or water with which to flush toilets or water to wash her diapers and clothes. Surprisingly, those times when my ex went away were special for my daughter and me. We were finally alone and safe—at least for awhile.

My above description does not adequately cover spiritual abuse, so allow me to expand on that with a more professional definition.

Spiritual abuse can come from any number of sources: spouse, boyfriend, partner, boss, pastor, friend, others in church, etc. Spiritual abuse is when a person uses his religious authority to mislead or mistreat another person in the name of a deity (god), such as the God of the Bible. Spiritual abuse is used to put a victim in a state of unquestioning obedience, using spiritual knowledge to deprive, torture, degrade, isolate, and control another person.

Abuse can come from either a man or woman but since most abusers happen to be men. Most of my readers have been women, but understand that, if you are a man in an abusive relationship of any kind, I am speaking to you too. I am also writing to those of you who might know someone who is being abused. I hope you will gain insight into how you or someone you know can recognize types of abuse and get help, if necessary.

http://www.aaets.org/article144.htm American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress

Avoid Communicating with an Abusive Ex when Children are Involved

Fear of your abusive ex-husband or partner may not leave you for years to come. Post-traumatic stress disorder could prolong your healing process and emotional recovery. You need time, counseling, prayer, friends, family and LOTS of distance from your ex-husband in order to heal and learn what it is to feel safe again.

In the meantime, I want to tell you a big secret—one that the courts, attorneys, and mediators do not want you to know: If you are too afraid of your abusive ex-husband or partner, you never have to see him or communicate with him directly again--ever.

Unfortunately, most people in the legal system have no inkling of just how much courage it takes for a woman to leave her abuser—especially if there are children involved. Nevertheless, the victim is told that she must communicate with her ex-husband or partner in order to “normalize” the relationship between the ex and his biological children and make things “easier” on the children.

The truth is, the victim has every right to discontinue all contact with her abuser--and it can be the best choice for your children, because the victim finally gets a chance to recover and lead a more peaceful, calm, normal life. Regular contact and communication with an abusive ex-husband or partner can keep a recovering abuse victim stuck in emotional trauma. Most abusers want to remain in contact with their escaped victims, because it maintains their control and gives them further opportunity to keep on with their emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse.

Obtaining a “No Contact Order” or “Restraining Order” from the court may or may not be granted. If you can get one, great. If you do not have sufficient evidence and/or police reports of your ex’s abuse toward you, it doesn’t matter. You can request that a professional domestic violence advocate sit with you in the courtroom, shielding you from the intimidation tactics of your ex. You can request of the judge that you have a go-between or mediator to relay all messages between you and your ex. You can protect your phone number, your email address, your mailing address, and your physical address. It might prove an annoying challenge, but you can find a friend or family member to relay important messages to your ex and screen all messages coming from him so that you don't have to read anything potentially upsetting to you.

Are you too afraid to come into contact with your abuser during visitation exchanges with your children? Arrange for friends and family members to help. It may be a long-term commitment, but if you have a list of people who can assist you, they can rotate through the list so that someone is always there for your protection—and the protection of your children.

If your ex-husband or partner was personable and kind and you simply had irreconcilable differences that pulled your marriage apart, communication with him is reasonable, acceptable and expected. However, communication and contact with a former abuser can be confusing at the least; deadly at the worst. If you do not feel safe around your ex, don’t put yourself in a position to be abused again in any way. Staying safe protects your sanity and emotional wellbeing and you desperately need these things—for your own personal recovery and the wellbeing of your children.

What Women Want: Courageous Heroes, Not Wimps (article #2)

I’m an old-fashioned, hopeless romantic. I get teary-eyed watching Hallmark movies, I swoon at the descriptions of Jane Austen’s heroes; I read and write historical romance novels.

What do women want in a man? Strength, self-confidence, masculinity, and courage. Women do not want shy, wimpy, weak, timid, fearful, tentative men. While our American society has been pushing women to be more confident, courageous, and self-promoting, it seems that many men have gone the opposite direction. Most men today (my husband Pete excluded) are not the manly heroes of literature or of history. Where are the Bravehearts, Robin Hoods, and King Davids of today?

You know what I like about my husband? He’s the perfect blend of classic athletic jock and educated intellectual. He plays football. He’s a tough, hardy outdoorsman. He whitewater rafts. He hunts and fishes. He puts food on the table—literally (and it’s delicious and organic to boot). He’s self-assured and commanding, admittedly to the point of arrogance at times. He suffers no lack of self-esteem, yet he is spiritually mature, humble, caring and gracious. He knows what he wants in life and he goes for it. He is well aware of his strengths and is successful in nearly everything he attempts. He exudes confidence and, as a natural-born leader, others feel safer, relaxed, and sure of themselves with him in charge. He has a positive attitude. He’s kind, forgiving, encouraging, and uplifting in his speech and behavior.

When Pete and I were first getting to know each other, I was floored by his direct approach. He had been burned in a past relationship, yet God and time had healed him. After only a few minutes of meeting in person and an hour talking on the phone, he was forward and candid in asking me out. I never had to wonder if he liked me. He could care less about rejection and stated that, if I said no to him, he would continue to pursue me for a short time—not stalk me or be overly pushy—but not give up on me so easily. He then told me I was “worth the pursuit.” I think any woman hearing these words would be weak in the knees. Needless to say, I gave him a chance—and another and another.

Can you see why I was drawn to my husband? One of the most attractive things about Pete was and is his courage. He was unafraid of rejection—unafraid of potential hurt and pain. He was not timid or tentative in his approach. If I had rejected his advances, I’m sure it would not have bothered him. A man can be relatively plain looking, but if he is self-assured, brave, humble, and polite he will appear more attractive to women. Women swoon over such men. A woman pursued by such a man feels desirable and beautiful, worthy of love and affection.

If I have not been clear, let me now put it bluntly: Most men today are wimps. They’re so worried about getting their feelings hurt, they don’t ask girls on dates; they don’t ask women to marry them. Instead, they wait for the girl to make the first move. This is unnatural and frustrating. Our society pushes women into this role, but most of us do not want it. When a woman has to ask a guy out, she’s getting a man that is already less than her ideal. She’s having to be the chaser when, in her dreams and in her very soul, she longs to be the one pursued; to feel irresistible. Being desired makes a woman feel alive, beautiful, worthy of love and affection—and it must not end with the wedding. To keep a marriage growing and healthy, you have to keep on courting and wooing your wife, giving her gifts, giving her flowers, doing kind things for her, taking her out on dates, repairing things around the house. All these things make a woman feel wanted, loved, and cared for.

So, in conclusion, I’m shouting this clarion call to all men: Set aside your fears of rejection, hurt and pain. Stop being a wimp. Man up, be bold, be courageous and get all the love and happiness you want and deserve in life.

What Women Want: Trust (article #1)

As a wizpert.com relationship advice expert, I have had several conversations with men who have recently “lost” their girlfriends or wives. Sometimes I chat with two or three men a day about this very subject. It’s tragic, but because I see the same pattern over and over, I am writing this blog with the hope that it will help more men out there.

Women want to be trusted. Let’s say you start getting suspicious and stop trusting your spouse or girlfriend. Let’s say she suspects or knows that you no longer trust her. These ingredients spell disaster. The relationship is likely to end—even if you have a viable reason for your suspicion and lack of trust. Why? Truth or not, no woman likes to be accused. (It’s human nature, actually.) If you decide to confront her and she confesses, there’s a slight chance she’ll be sorry enough to mend the relationship, but there’s still a high possibility of the relationship ending. I would definitely not recommend confronting her. If you decide to confront her and she denies your accusations, you have an even higher chance of losing her. No woman likes a jealous guy who doesn’t trust her—whether he’s right or wrong; whether she’s telling the truth or not. As soon as the trust is gone, it’s time to start packing up and moving on.

So, what do you do if you no longer trust your wife or girlfriend? I suggest the following:

1.       Pray. Ask God to help you overcome your pain and feelings of betrayal. Ask God to help you to forgive her for what she might have done and to forget about whatever she might not have done.

2.       Ask a counselor for advice. Talk with a therapist about your jealous feelings and suspicions. Your counselor might be able to help you sort out whether your suspicions are real or imagined. Your counselor should be able to help you cope with your situation and help you figure out what to do next—whether your lack of trust is warranted or not.

3.       Give her more space and freedom. It’s the exact opposite of what you want to do when you don't trust someone, but giving your wife or girlfriend more freedom demonstrates trust and love and respect. It shows that you believe in her and that you’re not clingy or possessive. If she has any desire to leave you, giving her more space and freedom can, in many cases, make you more desirable to her and make her less likely to leave you. What do space and freedom look like? They can look like a lot of things, but here are a few possibilities:

a.       Give her financial freedom. It may sound materialistic and worldly, but money represents freedom. If you’re married, make sure she has her own bank account and full access to any money therein. Total control over your wife’s or girlfriend’s money is a violation of her freedom. If you’re better with money than she is, talk about it, but it’s still important to make sure the two of you reach an agreement regarding how much money she wants and needs—and make sure you give her that (within reason and after bills are paid, of course). If she wants to work, don’t stop her. Make sure she has a car and access to a place of employment whenever she wants. If she’s unable to work right now because of caring for children at home, it’s even more important to make sure she has plenty of personal spending cash and freedom to spend it however she wishes.

b.      Don’t stalk her. Don’t follow her. Don’t ask around about her. She will notice and your suspicious activity will backfire on your relationship.

c.       Give her time for herself. This is especially important for stay-at-home moms. They may not think they need it, but watching the kids for a few hours while she goes out with her friends to shop, eat out at a restaurant, work out at the gym, or go to the movies is of immense value to her. Giving her this gift of time shows that you trust her, love her, and value her.

d.      Be the first to apologize after an argument. This is one of the toughest things to do, but it is also one of the most mature and effective things you can do to protect a relationship. Admit to some wrongdoing on your part, even if you’re 99.9% right and she’s really the one in the wrong. Don’t follow it up with “but” and remind her of what she did or said that hurt you or made you angry. If you’re the first to say you’re sorry, it gives her freedom to feel some conviction and admit where she was wrong (although you should not expect this of her). Being the first to apologize also shows respect for her and your relationship. It means she is more important than your desire to be right. My wonderful husband nearly always apologizes first after an argument and I now work harder to be the first to say I'm sorry. Sometimes this means I have to search really hard for something I might have done wrong--even when I feel he's totally at fault. It's terribly humbling and difficult to apologize, but it so worth it for preserving a relationship.

Stop Texting and Move Ahead in Your Relationship

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m just not into the whole texting thing. My husband and I run a business and we find it more relational to answer the phone and talk to people—with our voices. What’s funny to me is how many people respond with a surprised, “I can’t believe you actually answered the phone!” It’s true that most businesses these days have a recorded answering system, a maze of choices to make, and numerous buttons to push before you get to a live person—if you get to a live person at all.

Maybe it’s just me, but don’t you think you’re relationship would be more personal if you talked with your real live voices once in awhile? I’m even more shocked at how many people contact me on wizpert.com for advice and they tell me they’re “seeing” someone, but they don’t really ever “see” him or her or talk on the phone to each other. They just text.

I have had both men and women ask me how to get to the next level of a relationship. Many couples have been texting each other for weeks or months. I’ll tell you how to move on in your relationship: You have to talk to each other—either over the phone or, better yet, in person. That’s where I get what I consider odd feedback from people. Many couples don’t want to be the first to make the move. I think they’re seriously afraid—afraid of rejection, afraid of not knowing what to do, afraid of not knowing how to act or what to say in a personal encounter. Texting is familiar, comfortable, and safe. The problem is, it keeps many couples stuck in a rut.

If you’ve been texting for a week or two, it’s already time to move on to the next level. Guys, I hope you’ll be the ones to make the first move, because most girls love a can-do man who knows what he wants and goes for it. Girls want to be pursued. The pursuit makes her feel desirable, irresistible, and attractive. Don’t wait for her to initiate. Too many guys wait for the girl to make all the moves and it’s not attractive. (But more on that topic in another blog.)

Don’t know what to say? Start with asking questions: What’s your favorite food/flower/TV show? What’s your dream vacation? What was it like for you growing up? What kinds of movies or books do you like? Asking just a few questions can get just about anyone talking. If and when you meet in person, look at each other in the eyes, hold hands, sit close to one another while watching a movie together. I know these seem to be foreign concepts to most of today’s dating population, but I think you’ll be happily surprised at what human contact can do for a relationship. Yes, I’m old-fashioned, but if you’re trying to build a potentially long-term relationship that could lead to marriage, try to get to know each other as friends and save sex for the wedding night.

So, once again, get out of your comfort zone. Be bold. Be fearless. I know it's hard, but risk rejection. Text one last message asking to meet in person (or talk on the phone or video conference); then stop texting so you can move ahead in your relationship. I think you’ll be glad you did.

My Thoughts on Marble Mountain Kennels/Detection Dogs, School Shootings & Family Violence

As most of you know, Pete and I own a business called, “Marble Mountain Kennels” and “Marble Mountain Detection Dogs” (MMKennels.com & MMDD), where we raise, train and sell high quality, intelligent, AKC-registered Labrador retrievers that hunt, point, retrieve, and/or detect specific things like weapons, drugs, food allergens, and even pesky bed bugs. When we train and sell a dog to a police department, the military, or other criminal justice institution, we are, helping to end violence and make children safer and more secure in a very insecure world.

It just so happens that my husband Pete is also the director of Mt. Hermon’s Kidder Creek Camp in Greenview, California. This summer When Kidder Creek Camp partnered with Casey Gwinn, founder of Camp Hope, for an incredibly rewarding and amazingly successful ministry to children of family violence. Camp Hope and Family Justice Centers are all about ending family violence, healing the lives of child victims of domestic abuse, and giving children the opportunity to experience the childhood they almost missed. Dozens of Marble Mountain Kennels puppies were held and loved by Camp Hope campers—and those little puppies provided warmth, love, and comfort to hundreds of little campers. It’s rather ironic that many of those same puppies will grow up to be detection dogs trained to sniff out weapons, narcotics, and fire accelerants, protecting and serving more children.

It is unfortunate, but with school shootings, public bombings, and other terrorist acts increasing in our nation, the demand for our dogs continues to grow. We are working hard to fill that need.

It may be a stretch, but I can see how Camp Hope and Marble Mountain Kennels go hand in hand. Some of our dogs already work for the military, fire departments, and airports. I foresee that our dogs will soon be placed in police departments, schools, and other strategic locations to continue to provide therapeutic unconditional love as well as protective services to more children and families.