Avoid Communicating with an Abusive Ex when Children are Involved

Fear of your abusive ex-husband or partner may not leave you for years to come. Post-traumatic stress disorder could prolong your healing process and emotional recovery. You need time, counseling, prayer, friends, family and LOTS of distance from your ex-husband in order to heal and learn what it is to feel safe again.

In the meantime, I want to tell you a big secret—one that the courts, attorneys, and mediators do not want you to know: If you are too afraid of your abusive ex-husband or partner, you never have to see him or communicate with him directly again--ever.

Unfortunately, most people in the legal system have no inkling of just how much courage it takes for a woman to leave her abuser—especially if there are children involved. Nevertheless, the victim is told that she must communicate with her ex-husband or partner in order to “normalize” the relationship between the ex and his biological children and make things “easier” on the children.

The truth is, the victim has every right to discontinue all contact with her abuser--and it can be the best choice for your children, because the victim finally gets a chance to recover and lead a more peaceful, calm, normal life. Regular contact and communication with an abusive ex-husband or partner can keep a recovering abuse victim stuck in emotional trauma. Most abusers want to remain in contact with their escaped victims, because it maintains their control and gives them further opportunity to keep on with their emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse.

Obtaining a “No Contact Order” or “Restraining Order” from the court may or may not be granted. If you can get one, great. If you do not have sufficient evidence and/or police reports of your ex’s abuse toward you, it doesn’t matter. You can request that a professional domestic violence advocate sit with you in the courtroom, shielding you from the intimidation tactics of your ex. You can request of the judge that you have a go-between or mediator to relay all messages between you and your ex. You can protect your phone number, your email address, your mailing address, and your physical address. It might prove an annoying challenge, but you can find a friend or family member to relay important messages to your ex and screen all messages coming from him so that you don't have to read anything potentially upsetting to you.

Are you too afraid to come into contact with your abuser during visitation exchanges with your children? Arrange for friends and family members to help. It may be a long-term commitment, but if you have a list of people who can assist you, they can rotate through the list so that someone is always there for your protection—and the protection of your children.

If your ex-husband or partner was personable and kind and you simply had irreconcilable differences that pulled your marriage apart, communication with him is reasonable, acceptable and expected. However, communication and contact with a former abuser can be confusing at the least; deadly at the worst. If you do not feel safe around your ex, don’t put yourself in a position to be abused again in any way. Staying safe protects your sanity and emotional wellbeing and you desperately need these things—for your own personal recovery and the wellbeing of your children.