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I know this topic is a can of worms. But, due to the
encouragement of friends and family, I'm finally willing to open that can and
let the slithering, slimy contents spill out into the open. I can't bear to see
other Christian women suffer needlessly in excruciating, marriages.
Their children are suffering too. Working with children, I see it all the time. Even my own children suffered for too long.
If my words do not resonate with you personally, thenyou are blessed. However, you might know of another woman who will relate to
what I have written here.
Many women are enduring difficult marriages. Some of those women are Christians. The mistreatment of
wives by Bible-believing husbands is a challenging topic. Due to the painful memories
it conjures in my own spirit, I have delayed writing about it until now. But, I
think, if I write a little at a time and not all at once, I will pray and rely
on God’s strength to accomplish the task.
The Questions:
What does the Bible say about the treatment of women in
marriage? Does God care about a wife who is treated unjustly, cruelly, berated,
put down, criticized, trampled upon, enslaved? Does He care about innocent
children who are forced to see their mother yelled at, beaten, locked up,
starved? We know God hates divorce, but does He value the preservation of
marriage higher than a woman’s personal protection...or higher than the protection of children?
These are questions that haunted me during seven years of
marriage to my husband (now ex-husband). But the answers to these questions
gave me the courage to finally make my escape. As a Christian woman, I knew God
hated divorce. I was afraid of sinning against Him. I was also fearful of how a
divorce might alienate me from other Christians.
I know that at least a few Christian women are trapped in
bad—really bad—marriages. And they're married to "Christian" husbands.
I know how confusing it can be. Everything may appear lovely on the outside,
but behind closed doors, there may be strife, chaos, suffering, and unimaginable cruelty. You may be ashamed of the way you live, sorry for making the
foolish mistake of marrying the man you did. He fooled you and everyone. You
hide the truth. No one would believe you if you told them what he’s really
like. Besides, you tell yourself, he can be so nice sometimes. He can be “good” and life can feel almost normal much of the time. You may think he's done being mean and that he’ll remain
kind and loving from now on. How many times have you told yourself that? You're likely a forgiving person. You hold onto those happy times, push back the traumatic
incidents into the recesses of your memory, and pretend everything’s fine…until
the next time you step sideways on that bit of eggshell and the tiniest crackle
is the excuse he needs to explode again.
The fact is, your life is a lie, full of secrets, hypocrisy.
You don’t want anyone to know how he treats you. You cover for him, hide his
ugly, bad habits, put on a happy face for your friends and family, instruct
your kids how to behave, protect them so he’ll hurt you and not them, apologize
for whatever you did to cause him to lose his temper, confess falsely to any
crime he accuses you of just to keep some semblance of peace. You tell
yourself it was your fault he yelled at you or hit you. You pray for him to
change for the better, pray for a way of escape; even pray for the mercy of
death to take you…until you remember for the thousandth time that you can’t
abandon your children to their father’s cruelty. You’re trapped. There’s no
escape. You must survive, if for no other reason than to save your children's lives. But is staying with him really saving your life…or theirs? Is there
really no way out?
If you are a Bible-believing wife, how can you leave your Christian
marriage? How can you break your promises and renege on your marriage vows? Do
you have any Biblical grounds for divorce? As far as you know, your husband
hasn’t been sexually unfaithful to you and he hasn’t abandoned you (although
you might wish for it).
But sexual unfaithfulness and abandonment are not the only
Biblical grounds for divorce, as many unkind Christian husbands try to claim.
Jesus Himself “recognized a range of marital conditions that are worse than
divorce.” So did Moses and Paul.[i] Do you find that surprising? Are there other situations in which God might
actually approve of or condone divorce? Oh, yes. If I
didn’t finally come to the startling realization of how much God loves women
and wants to protect them from harm, I might still be stuck in my horrific
marriage; I might still be playing the poor, wretched martyr, watching my
children grow up to be future victims and abusers. According to the very words
of the Bible, God wants women to be loved, protected, cared for; He wants this
even more than he wants an abusive marriage to remain intact. God wants you to
be free from abuse, and I’ll prove it using Scripture as evidence. You can read about it in my next post.
[i] God’s Protection of Women, by
Martin R. De Haan II, p. 3
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