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I have stated before, in order to regain your sanity,
you must leave your abuser and cut off all contact and communication with him
for an extended period of time. During this period of retreat, you might even
begin to hear God’s voice again.
You might be wondering how I can I so rudely accuse you of
not hearing God. What if you’re a godly Christian woman of prayer? What if you
feel God has called you to remain with your spouse to pray for him? I know I’m stepping on your toes here, but even if you’re studying the
Bible regularly and you’re reading great devotional and marriage books—even if you are hearing from God in myriad ways—if
you’re listening at all to God’s Word to you via your husband’s twisted
interpretation of Scripture or through a marriage book’s reprimands to follow certain Biblical principles that do not apply to abuse
victims, then you are not hearing all
of what God is trying to tell you. I’ll say it again another way: If you have been hurt in your marriage but
you’re confused about whether or not you have abused--or if you know for sure
you have been abused--you must completely remove yourself from your spouse or
partner.
Here’s what you must do:
1)
Cut off all contact and communication with your
spouse or partner for at least three months. I wish I could remember where I
read that three months is so important. I think it was either Lundy Bancroft or
J. G. Silverman, but I can’t find it in any of their books. (I own two and just
because I can’t locate the reference doesn’t mean it’s not there. I’ll probably
find it eventually and rewrite this section.) Three months may be too long; it
may not be enough, but it’s my prescription for you. Tell your partner it’s
only temporary. That may not be the truth, but you’re probably still in the
mindset that you’ll go back to him anyway, so don’t worry about that right now.
This is extremely difficult, I know. It means moving out and living in a
women’s shelter or with a friend or maybe even with your parents or
grandparents. It’s humbling, humiliating, pride-shattering, and maybe not even
economically feasible. This is a great opportunity for you to put your faith in
God and do it anyway.
NOTE: This is redundant, but it’s important. I have a BIG warning for you
here. If you decide to leave—even if you do not
go to a battered women’s shelter—I strongly urge you to consult with a domestic
violence counselor before you go. Even if you think your husband would never
hurt you or your children to the point of “serious” injury (as if what he has
done to you is not already serious), a counselor will help you to carefully
plan and strategize the best and safest way for you to escape. I made the
mistake of leaving my abuser without first contacting my local domestic
violence and crisis center. I won’t go into it now, but it was a HUGE mistake
that led to dramatically increased abuse against me and my children.
2)
Surround yourself with people who can help you:
friends, family, counselors, therapists, a pastor, etc. However, be careful
here. Make sure that they will not take a one-sided “Biblical” view that
Christians must remain in their marriages no matter what abuse they suffer.
Shelter yourself with the protection of people who will love and care for you
while speaking God’s truth to you—that He loves you and wants you and your
children to be protected and safe from abuse.
Why is zero communication and zero contact so important? I
will quote Lundy Bancroft, Family Issues Specialist and author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of
Angry and Controlling Men. Bancroft writes that “breaking up with an abuser
can be very hard to do…. Few abusers readily allow themselves to be left.”[i] He
also writes that if you try to leave your spouse for a “break,” he might agree
initially, but he will gradually erode the edges of your agreement by sending a
card, emailing you, or showing up “by coincidence” at places where you happen
to be.[ii]
Why does he do this? He is afraid of what you might discover if you succeed in
getting a true break from his control. You might begin to think your own
thoughts and see that a lot of people around you treat each other kindly in
their relationships.[iii]
In other words, you might come to your senses, regain some of your sanity, and
realize that you are being abused and that you don’t deserve to be so
mistreated.
The fact is, God is speaking to you. He loves you. He wants
you to be safe and protected. It breaks His heart to see you being hurt in any marriage, much less a Christian marriage. You need to get away from the confusion of
whatever your husband is saying to you so that you can separate truth from
lies. Do you find yourself getting defensive, wanting to protect your husband
right now? That’s a big indication that you’re in a toxic, codependent
relationship. God does not want you to be in an abusive marriage. God is trying
to speak to you. Are you listening to Him?
[i]
Bancroft, Lundy, Why Does He Do That?
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, p. 213.
[ii]
Bancroft, Lundy, Why Does He Do That?
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, p. 222.
[iii]
Bancroft, Lundy, Why Does He Do That?
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, p. 223.
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