Why do Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships?

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Let me start be saying I don’t necessarily believe that it’s any more difficult for a woman of faith to escape her abusive marriage than it is for any other victim. All abusers use manipulation to maintain control over their victims. However, I do think that playing the ethical card is a particularly destructive weapon in the hands of certain calculating spouses, using Biblical pressure to keep their victims feeling trapped and hopeless. If your Christian spouse is using the Bible to inflict pain on you and tell you that you cannot leave him because it would be a sin, then that fact alone should be an indication that you are in an abusive and controlling marriage. First of all, it’s a lie that you must remain with him for Biblical reasons. In fact, there are many Biblical reasons for you to leave an abusive relationship, but I’ll list those in another article. (In the meantime, go back and read my article titled, God Commands Divorce—in Certain Circumstances for one powerful Biblical example.)

I spent years on my knees, praying and reading my Bible. Despite the truth of God’s Word right in front of my nose, I saw no way out. I sought help from countless marriage books—Christian marriage books. Not one of them showed me a way out of my abusive marriage until I read God’s Protection of Women: When Abuse is Worse than Divorce, a small booklet by Martin R. De Haan II[i]. Most marriage books only encouraged me to focus on changing myself (not my spouse) to keep growing, keep trying to be a better, more patient and loving wife. So that’s what I did. Of course, trying to be “better” in a relationship with an abusive person does not work. Nothing ever changed for the better in my marriage—at least, never long-term—because I was the only one making any effort. I know you have heard the boat paddling analogy before, but let me remind you again: If two people row a canoe together, they can succeed in making positive, forward progress, but if only one person does all the rowing, or even just most of the rowing, the boat will spin in circles and go nowhere.

So, again there is the question: Why do victims stay in abusive relationships? I can’t answer that for everyone. Each victim has her own reasons. I can only tell you about my particular situation. I talked with counselors and friends. Despite the help I had all around me, I still felt trapped. Why? Because I never told anyone I was being abused. Why on earth would I not tell anyone? For three reasons:

1) Fear. Usually, my husband was sitting there beside me on the therapist’s couch. However, even when I had the opportunity to speak with a friend or counselor alone, fear kept me silent. My ex-husband frequently used the Bible to remind me that I must submit to him and obey him, no matter what he did to me. Yes, I knew the truth that Jesus loves me (John 3:16) and came to give me abundant life (John 10:10) and that Jesus was sent to heal the brokenhearted and set captives free (Luke 4:18, 19), but my ex’s twisting of Scripture confused me. I became less sure of God’s truth, less certain of God’s love for me. The twisted lies that sounded like Biblical truth became stronger than the pure and unadulterated truth of God’s Word.

2) Shame and Pride. It's difficult for me to separate shame and pride, so I have combined the two. I was so emotionally beaten down by my ex that I had no self-esteem left. I was ashamed of anyone seeing me in the abased state to which I had descended. I was too proud to show anyone that I was not in the perfect Christian marriage. I had once been a healthy, happy, self-assured, well-educated woman. What if my friends saw what I had become? I had made a terrible, terrible mistake in my choice of a husband. Pride compelled me to portray my husband in as positive a light as possible, playing up my husband’s positive qualities in any public setting, covering his negatives, hiding my grief, trying to look like I had a stable, secure marriage. I was a classic enabler. All that “covering up” was living a lie that led to further denial.

3) Denial. I could not face the truth that abuse was happening to me. I am a smart, sane, educated woman. If a woman is being abused, she should just get out, right? That’s what I always believed. Even in a counseling setting, I would minimize my husband’s abuse and say, “He’s mean to me.” For some sad reason, no one ever seemed to pick up on my secret code and ask me what I meant by “mean," but I also kind of convinced myself that he was never that bad or that his hurting me was really my fault anyhow. No wonder counseling did nothing to help me.

If you are in a hurtful marriage and your spouse is mean to you, maybe you're afraid to admit you're being abused. That's okay for now, but I want you to see God’s truth from His Word for what it is. God loves you. Jesus came to heal you and set you free (Luke 4:18, 19). That’s His will. He does not want you to stay stuck and trapped in constant wounding from your spouse; He does not want you to remain a prisoner in your own home, a captive of your own husband. But I know how it is. He hurts you, you cry out to the Lord, His Spirit comforts you, you feel at peace again, you pray for God to transform your husband’s heart and mind, you tell yourself you’re growing stronger through these constant trials, and then you pick yourself up again and go on as though nothing ever happened. You can keep doing this for months, years. I did. But if you stay, that sick cycle will never end. Oh, yes, if you stay long enough there’s a slim chance your husband will mellow with age and become slightly less abusive, or receive a debilitating head injury that will render him unable to hurt anyone, or perhaps even have a true change of heart. Miracles do happen.

Do I sound faithless, like I don’t believe in God’s ability to work miracles? Probably, but remember, even though God works miracles in people’s lives, He does not want you to remain with your abusive spouse while He’s working that miracle. When God changes an abusive person’s heart, it can takes decades. Oh, an abuser will pretend to have been changed by God, but after the tenth or eleventh time of bullying you after he has supposedly received this miraculous change, you really should wake up and get a clue that he’s lying to you…again.

Let me put it to you bluntly: Christian marriage or not, if you stick around, praying and waiting for God to change your husband like I did, the abuse will continue, it will even grow worse, and you’ll finally either be killed, your children will be abused, or you’ll escape by the skin of your teeth.

Think I sound too extreme? I could point you to hundreds of stories of domestic violence that ended up in murder—even when the abuse was not technically physical; psychological abuse causes suicides, as well—even for Christians. Sometimes a psychological abuser will suddenly go into a rage and kill his spouse after years of never inflicting bodily injury to her. Look into your abuser’s eyes. You can’t tell me you don’t see murderous intent there when he's in one of his rages. What does the Bible have to say about that? (Check out 1 John 3:15.)

Oh, yes, I know what you’ll say here too: But those are only brief outbursts; most of the time he’s loving and kind. Really? A lot of "kind and loving" spouses kill their husbands or wives in a brief outburst of anger. Do you really want to risk that? If you have children, do you want to leave your kids with such a violent person if he doesn't get caught by the authorities?* Why are you remaining in your prison? When is enough enough? What are you waiting for?

*If you have kids, you have to be extra careful with how you leave your abusive partner. You don’t want to leave your children alone with your violent spouse for even fifty percent of their lives after you potentially divorce. Don’t think he’ll abuse your kids, because he only abused you in your marriage? Think again. Some abusers will inflict pain on the children to get back at you for leaving him. Don’t take that risk. You know you have to leave; just do it correctly and with help. Get assistance from your local domestic violence office or women’s shelter first. In fact, in many cases, I recommend getting their help before you go to the police. If you call this domestic violence hotline, someone can recommend to you whether or not you should seek police assistance: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

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[i] [i] God’s Protection of Women, by Martin R. De Haan II, published by RBC Ministries