Identifying Abuse: Common Characteristics of the Man who Abuses

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I wish I had read and applied this list when I was dating my ex-husband nearly a decade and a half ago. Perhaps it will help to answer the questions of someone in a dating relationship. Perhaps it will open the eyes of a few women currently involved in a questionable relationship. 

Common Characteristics of the Man who Batters (or otherwise abuses)

1.       He has low self-esteem.

2.       He believes all the myths about battering relationships.

3.       He is a traditionalist believing in male supremacy and the stereotypical masculine sex role in the family. He feels he has the right to “teach her a lesson.”

4.       He blames others for his actions.

5.       He has exaggerated jealousy. In order for him to feel secure, he must become overinvolved in his wife’s life. Often he will make her account for every moment of her time. Despite constant surveillance, he is still suspicious of every relationship she has with other men and women. Frequently there is verbal abuse about suspected affairs.

6.       He exhibits a dual personality.

7.       He has severe stress reactions during which he uses drinking and/or wife beating to cope.

8.       He uses sex as an aggressive act to enhance his self-esteem in view of waning virility.

9.       He does not believe that his violent behavior should have any negative consequences.

10.   He typically denies that the couple has a problem and become enraged if his partner reveals the true situation.

11.   He has an element of overkill. He overdoes things, both while battering (cannot seem to control the brutal attack) and when in a loving period (showers partner with affection, attention, and gifts.)

12.   He came from a violent home. He either saw his father beat his mother or was himself battered.

13.   His relationship with his mother was unusual. Often there was an ambivalent love-hate relationship. His mother had a good deal of control over his behavior; yet he often abused her emotionally and rebelled against her.

14.   His personality is distorted. Usually there is a history of being a longer or socially involved only on a superficial level.

15.   He often accomplishes feats that others are unable to do. Batterers love to impress their women.

16.   [He is extremely sensitive.] Generally, they are extremely sensitive to differences in other people’s behavior. They can predict reactions to others faster than most. Under stress, their sensitivity becomes paranoid in nature.

From pp. 43 and 44 of Angry Men and the Women who Love Them, by Paul Hegstrom