Why Don’t Abused Women Leave their Abusers?

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I have written on this topic before, but I believe it bears repetition.

As a Christian who was ingrained with the belief that divorce is a sin, no matter what, no matter when, no matter how bad it gets, it never occurred to me to question it until I was in my abusive marriage (now over seven years ago). I was married “for better or for worse,” and I was going to endure the worst, even if it killed me—and my marriage was killing me little by little, emotionally wearing me down until my physical health suffered as much as my mental state.

Now that I’m out of my abusive marriage, I can state here with full equanimity and conviction that abuse is worse than divorce. It is my understanding (and you can correct me if I’m wrong) that abuse is always a sin, whereas divorce is not always a sin.

Some have asked me, “Why did you stay so long in your abusive marriage?” It’s such a tired question and I have answered it in former articles, but perhaps I was too general in my reasons (and there are many). So, allow me to list my own very personal thoughts and reasonings with regard to remaining in my abusive marriage for seven years:

1.       I’m a Christian; Christians can’t get divorced, so I have to stay in this marriage, no matter what, right?

2.       The Bible says I must submit to my husband. Does that mean I have to submit to him even when he’s mean and cruel to me?

3.       My marriage vows were forever. I want to honor my vows, but my husband is so cruel to me. My husband has clearly broken his vows to me, but I am still trying to stay true to my vows to him. If I break my vows and leave my husband, will God forgive me?

4.       My husband is abusive, but God must have led me to fall in love with him and marry him to help him—at least by praying for him. I know God can change him. That’s what motivates me to stay with him—the hope that God will change him. If I leave my husband, is that giving up on God? Is that showing God that I no longer trust in Him to change my husband?

5.       I still love my husband? Isn’t my love enough to heal him? Can’t my love motivate my husband to at least want to change—to try to change? Can’t my love motivate him to love me in return and stop hurting me?

6.       My husband often tells me I should leave him, but he contradicts himself by saying I have no biblical grounds for leaving him. Do I have biblical grounds for leaving him? If I leave him, will he use that fact against me and turn friends, family and church against me?

7.       If I told anyone the truth about how my husband treats me, would they believe me? Would they tell me I have to stay, because I’m a Christian?

8.       If I leave my husband, where will I go? I can’t go to a women’s shelter, can I? My husband’s abuse is 99% psychological; he doesn’t beat me.

9.       If I were to go to a women’s shelter, would my children be allowed to go with me?

10.   If I leave, how will I support myself and care for my children? I have no job and I’m so emotionally shattered and fragile, I’m not sure I could even look for a job right away. How will I care for myself and my children while I recover?

11.   If I were to leave my husband and could not stay in a women’s shelter, would I be safe from my husband anywhere else? Would my children be safe from him?

12.   What will other Christians in our church say if I get divorced? Will they ostracize me?

13.   My husband says he’ll get custody of the kids if I try to divorce him. He says I’m crazy and that anyone can see that I’m crazy, so the judge will automatically take the kids away from and award custody to him. Is this true? Can he really take the children from me?

14.   If I leave my husband, is it only temporary or is it permanent? I have already left him six times. He always says he’s sorry for hurting me and that I need to be patient with him as he works on changing. He does change, but never for very long. He has been nice to me for about a month at the most before he starts being mean again.

15.   My husband drinks and drives. If I divorce him and he gets any custody of our children, will my children be safe with him in a car?

16.   If I leave my husband, will he retaliate against me in vengeful anger and

17.   I have left him…again. Should I go back to him? I have never seen my husband hurt my kids—at least, not physically. However, all their lives, the kids have seen my husband yell at me and put me down. Is that bad for my kids to see and hear? Is domestic violence harmful to children, even if it doesn’t touch them directly? If I go back to my husband, am I condoning a type of child abuse?

The questions are different for every woman considering leaving an abusive husband. However, there are many similarities, as well.

I wrote this list for two reasons:

1)      It’s a reminder to those who continue to wonder why women remain in abusive situations. Leaving an abuser is not easy. There are a lot of mind games that the abuser uses against his victims. Victims guess and second-guess their own reasoning and ability to think through things logically. They wonder why they should leave and how—especially if the abuser uses the Bible as a means of controlling his victims.

2)      Something in this list will sound familiar to, and resonate with, other victims currently trapped in abusive situations. My hope is that they will realize they are not alone. I have been there too. Many women have been there. Abuse is, unfortunately, very common. The good news is that many have escaped and are now free. There is hope for victims of abuse.

There is hope for you too.